Everything feels so fake. I want to be a Christian, and I really did use to believe I was a Christian, but the more I think about it, the faker it all seems.
If I talk to a Christian about my problems, they tell me things like "I'm so sorry to hear that... I'll pray for you". If praying is all it would take to fix my problems, I wouldn't be talking to you in the first place.
Just for once, can you listen to me and respond like an actual compassionate human being? The very moment you say "I'll pray for you" tells me that you don't have any real personal concerns over anything I just told you.
You act as if everything can just be wished away, and everything will be sunshine and lollipops.
The more I think about it, the faker the entire religion begins to seem. I'm told by other Christians that it is normal to think these kinds of things, but I need to "remember" the "truth".
What is the truth? Is it what everyone wants me to believe, or is it what I decide for myself? If I were to tell a Christian everything I just said, they'd just look at me with a frown of disappointment. The way they act makes it so obvious they are thinking "He's so lost... I need to do something to help him". Once again, did everything I just say to you mean anything of importance? Or are you too worried about getting me to believe in God (who I truly do want to believe exists, but I have a very large amount of trouble truly believing.) to actually listen to my problems and try to help me through them?
"I'll pray for you", they say as they walk off. It's at that point that I realize talking to them was of absolutely no benefit to me. More likely than not, they'll never actually take the time to pray for me, and by the next morning, they will have forgotten everything. They are all just people wearing masks to hide their desire for self-satisfaction.
I doubt that anyone who actually says those types of things means it. Nobody does, nobody ever will. They only say it because they've learned to say it in those kinds of situations, from observing the people around them. Humans are social learners, and that is good for the most part, but in situations like these, it's the worst thing ever.
They are fake. Their words are fake. Their feelings that they think they have are fake. They aren't actually sorry for me, they don't actually care about me, they just say that because they "think" it's the "right" thing to do. If they actually wanted to help me, they'd have asked how they could help instead of just saying "Oh, that's terrible. I'll pray for you!" and pretending that will solve my problems.
It doesn't, it never did, and it never will. Whenever people pray for things, they do it because they have nothing else to believe in. They do it because if they didn't, they'd lack anything to put their faith in. So, they keep praying and praying and praying until the first good thing happens by coincidence, and then that thing gets attributed to the work of God. When the first bad thing happens though, it's not God's fault, and anyone who says otherwise "doesn't know what they are talking about" or "aren't true believers".
I used to think that way too, but I just can't force myself to do that anymore. It feels so fake, so fake so fake so fake so FAKE. I'd ask them why a loving, caring God allows such things to happen, but they'd just completely overlook the question because they've been told countless times that people will ask them the question, and they've been told exactly how to respond. So, when they respond, they aren't actually saying what they personally believe, they are saying what they were told to believe and because of that it's what they "think" they should believe.
It's not use arguing with them. In their mind, I'm automatically wrong. There's no winning an argument with someone who doesn't even have any capability of critical thinking.
It's all so fake. It's so fake and it's painful knowing its fake. It's painful knowing I'm expected to act fake. It's painful knowing I live in a house full of people who act fake. It's painful knowing there's nothing I can do about it, because they've gone too far into their own delusions to be able to decide what is right or wrong for themselves anymore. They take everything the church says as the total, complete, 100% truth, and anyone who says otherwise is a liar.
They say it's because what the church preaches is the word of God, and God is always right, ect. ect.
That only makes everything seem even more fake. If God really exists, and Christianity is really the ony and only true religion, why is there so many variants of Christianity? Why is there so many different religions that all worship a different version of the same God? How can we really be sure we are right? How can we really be sure he exists at all? They "know" because the bible tells them so.
You can't honestly expect me to believe that out of the countless amount of religions, ours is the only one that's actually right and all other religions were formed out of the perverse, sinful nature of mankind. You can't honestly expect me to believe that I need to practice evangilism, and get people to convert to our "faith".
If God exists, and he is really a perfect, all knowing, all seeing, loving God, why are there so many different religions? Why does sin exist in the first place? Why are we supposed to put blind faith into a God who we've only read about in a bible? They say, "True Christians will fully believe in God. They don't need to see his face to know he's real.". Isn't that the exact definition of "blind faith"? Believing in something that truly does not have any concrete facts which prove that it is an undeniable truth? Shaping your entire lifestyle, your decisions, actions, and even your very thoughts and feelings, around a God who's the star in so many different religions that it's hard not to believe he was fabricated in some way by humans?
"Sin exists because God gave man free-choice." They say this, but then they say things such as "God knows everything you will do in life. He has a perfect plan for all of us, and he loves us." Those two statements are contradictory. How is it possible to have a free will if your "creator" already knows every last thing you will ever do? That means we are all nothing more than a bunch of puppets in some deranged diety's puppet show. If he's so perfect, if he truly created everything, why does he let sin exist? If everything exists because of him, would that not mean that sin exists because of him? Why would he let sin even exist? Why would he create humans, then banish them to eternal suffering the very first time they disobeyed? If we have free-will, he should have forseen such a thing happening at some point, but he also knows everything we will ever do, so that means he created us with the full knowledge that we would disobey him, that he'd end up banishing us, he'd send his Son to die on a cross for the sin he created, and we'd have to worship him and get others to worship him too if we didn't want to spend our entire lives rotting, burning, and suffering in hell?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I don't care what kind of delusions are running through your mind, there's no way anyone could ever justfiy that. EVER.
But alas, not everything fake has to do with religion. Almost everyone I talk to is fake. They are all so fake, and when I think about the fact that I act fake around them too, it only makes me feel more depressed. I pretend it isn't really happening, that everything I'm doing is real, but then I can't take it anymore and break down. Then I end up doing things like writing this, because I can't stand how fake everyone is.
My dad wants me to get my license, and I have every intention of doing so, but the first thing he does every single freaking time I see him is ask "when are you going to get your license" without exception. Eventually, it got annoying, so I asked him to stop acting like that. The next time I saw him, he just seemed so fake. It's like the dad I used to know died, and the one I'm talking to right now is just some fake replacement. He tries to sugar-coat all his words so I don't feel "overwhelmed", but it's far too easy for me to see through him. He's just asking all the same questions in a different way, just to "spare my feelings".
I don't need people to lie for me! I don't need people to act differently for me! I DON'T NEED PEOPLE TO DO ANYTHING BESIDES BE THEMSELVES! It's so aggravating. Everything is so fake...
I feel like I'm the only one left in my life who could ever understand me... Maybe that's why I talk to myself through writing like this so much. People never really try to understand how others feel, and when I really do think I'm being understood, I soon find out later that I was just being patronized.
It's so fake. Everyone seems to live how everyone else wants them too. People are always trying to make sure they don't do anything out of the ordinary, lest they be judged by other people. Everything is so controlled, that it's impossible to have a real conversation anymore. Everyone is just hiding behind their masks, pretending everything is fine and normal, but behind that mask is someone just as distraught as I am. We're all wearing masks, and it feels so FAKE.
I try to apply for a job; for anyone to even consider hiring me, I have to dress up, fill out a resume, and come up with a million fake reasons why they need me to work for them. Is this some kind of contest? Do we, as humans, really need to go this far? Are the clothes we wear and the words we say really an accurate representation of who we are as human beings? NO! It's not, it's just another layer over our masks; another thing forcing us to remain fake.
I'm tired of it all... Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed or suicidal. I don't hate my life. I just have no choice but to sit through pointless crap every single day, and eventually it wears me down until I wind up here.
*sigh* I really do feel better after getting this off of my chest. Thank you, for anyone who actually took the time to read this. You'd have to have, at the very least, a remote interest in what I was trying to say to make it this far, and that alone is comforting.
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